The Daily ReTORt

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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Science May Force Women into Flats - Heel No!!!

To any reader out there, just take a wild guess as to how many different pairs of shoes the significant woman in your life currently owns. My guess is that your guess is woefully low. In my case, I estimated that my wife would have racked shoes in the range of 18-22 pairs.  Not so.

After a rigorous hand count, it turned out that she has more than 45+ pairs of footwear – three of which are still in boxes with the respective receipts and have never been worn.

However, being the enlightened male that I am – I am not shocked and I’ll not curse (even though they’re a major contributor to this bi-pedal pandemic).

In fact, I gained keen perspective that I’d like to share from a senior female executive I used to work with as to the reasons why most women have this inherent need for bootery hoarding.

These were her three reasons why women are compelled to pump up their cobbler cache with pumps, platforms, peddle-pushers and such.

1. New shoes can breath new life into last season’s look, so shoes are cheaper than buying a whole new outfit – [editorial note: I don’t know about that, I’ve found that when my wife buys new shoes it typically triggers the purchase of a new outfit as well].

2. While a woman’s body proportions may change overtime, her foot size is relatively unchanging providing a “fashion constant” that must be exploited – [editorial note: Ok, this is the strongest argument of the three - I guess].

3. Footwear combines the intangible factors of function, attitude, style and comfort into a single fashion accessory, the importance of which can not be overstated – [editorial note: Really, that’s the closing argument???].

Despite their slippery nature, such arguments seem to have secured a toehold in the female mindset, so that there’s no way to slow the ever-expanding footgear creep that’s consuming closet after closet in our home.

But then science became an unlikely ally, offering a leg up against this tip-toeing assault.

In the link below, Washington Post science reporter, Leslie Tamura, wrote about a recent study that found repeated walking in high heels ultimately shortens both the calf muscle fibers and Achilles tendons’ on the back of the stiletto-heel-strapped legs.

Click Here for The Washington Post High-Heel Story

So in the name of science (and as a selfless, life-saving gesture for the safety of my wife’s lower legs) I’ve boldly thrown away all of her high heel shoes!!! [Not really, while I might be a bit flustered by the footwear folly – I’m not stupid after all!].

Actually despite the sobering, muscle-shortening news – I don’t think my wife’s soft spot for shoes will abate. In fact, it’s spreading to our two young daughters faster than a foot fungus in an NFL locker room(sigh).

As such, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll need a second mortgage for the expected “shoe room” addition that will soon need to be built on our house. I hope our homeowner’s association grants the required variance…I wonder if they'd accept a bribe in High Heeled Glamour Casadei’s???


  1. Man, you're funny!

    Matt would SWEAR that I own at least 50 pairs. In all honesty, I think it's more like 17, and I could stand to get rid of a few! I have some worn out ones that have been replaced, yet I just haven't thrown out the old ones.

  2. Hysterical! I'm thrilled to learn you were smart enough to "back away from" the bootery closet! What a good husband and father. Just come along side your women-folk and support the cause. I'm sure they'll be much more willing to relinquish a few bucks on a shopping spree for you.

  3. VERY FUNNY, Husband! BUT I do have a few bones to pick with you.. 1)You can't count old pairs of shoes given to the girls for dress up as part of my total-which is therefore NOT 45.

    2)I have never ordered from ZAPPOS (despite the temptation) but YOU have!

    3) Peddle-pushers are pants not shoes.

    4)I totally agree with the 3 points of your former co-worker, (no wonder she made it to SENIOR executive!)

    and finally 5) Our shoes would fit fine in the closets if all the bottom shelves weren't filled already with 10 different pairs of men-sized running shoes!!

    On another note..did you happen to find my black flats while you were digging around counting my shoes?? ;)

  4. Kim you are to funny. You should order from Zappos now since Tor decided to count your did you learn nothing growing up with three sisters. Never ever mess with a womens shoes....they are sacred.