The Daily ReTORt

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Monday, February 28, 2011

I Blame the Girl Scouts....

Delicious Treat or Diabolical Tool?
Don’t kid yourself, as a nation our collective fitness and overall health is fading fast. We’ve all seen the news reports that diabetes and obesity are at epidemic levels and there’s an overall declining trend in the physical health of the average American.

These factors are driving the increase in healthcare costs, hospitalization rates, as well as the political appetite for healthcare reform at the federal level.

While many are targeting cost containment discussions against pharmaceutical companies; greedy HMOs and insurance providers; increasing Medicaid and insurance fraud; the dire need for tort reform; physician shortages; skyrocketing costs for malpractice coverage…etc…they are largely ignoring a root cause of our nation’s healthcare woes.

The Girl Scouts…

This ubiquitous, conspicuously-cute, para-military organization is single-handedly undermining our health with its annual cookie sale.  Consider that this year, more than 200 million of boxes of GS cookies [NOTE: might the GS initials stand for a more sinister name such as “Global Supremacy” or “Glucose Subjugation” – I’m just saying….] continue to be delivered and consumed by the unwitting pawns (you and me) who are also underwriting the nefarious activities of the GS consortium.

Consider this, is it merely coincidence that the vast majority (more than 60%) of all New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, fail before the month of March – corresponding directly with the annual delivery of the over-priced GS confectionary contraband?

Or consider how Big Business has partnered with GS to further subsidize its sugar-coma-inducing conduct?  Don’t believe me?  The video below implicates the co-opting of the Corporate America fat cats, Madison Avenue illuminati and media gatekeepers…

This is a frightening development that can no longer be ignored. Additionally, the GS collective seems very well organized – too well organized to be merely a “volunteer” rag-tag organization of parents who care about the development and empowerment of their daughters.  There’s got to be more to it.

I don’t know if it’s the Trilateral Commission; the Committee on Foreign Relations or the 33rd Degree Masonic Order – but some unseen force is driving the GS juggernaut.

The best I can figure is that the covert objective of the GS is too erode public health of the country by pushing its product; removing discretionary income from the citizenry via its secondary objective to redistribute wealth using its confiscatory pricing scheme of $3.50/box – averaging out to $0.30/cookie; thereby driving cookie-consumption-related healthcare costs, which ultimately bankrupts the U.S. economy.    
It’s so obvious - it’s crystal clear to see, just as long as you don’t suffer from cookie-induced diabetic retinopathy.

Needless to say, this is an alarming “threat from within” that must be closely watched by every red-blooded…or insulin-loaded…American.

In the meantime, our six-year old daughter is a Girl Scout Daisy and you can email me your orders for Thin Mints®, Tagalongs®, Do-si-dos®, Samoas® or Trefoils®.  Please include $9.99 for shipping and handling.  God Bless America!


  1. Take my freedom, just don't take my cookies! :)

  2. Very funny!! Hey hon, they were $4 a box...but don't worry, they put me on an installment plan for our 15 boxes.

  3. @Bill, I'm not sure if they accept gold bars or gold boullion for a box of cookies...but we'll check for you...

  4. @Beeg, @wife - ummm...not sure how to break this to you, but you're not supposed to be funnier than the blog's author ok? Please keep that in mind before you bring "the funny" next time!