The Daily ReTORt

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Who's the Boss of Our House???

My wife and I have been happily married for more than 15 years, and I attribute that wedded bliss to several reasons such as open communication; effective conflict resolution; unwavering loyalty and mutual respect - among other factors.

But one of the greatest reasons for the success of our marriage is that I learned early in our marriage the following concept, "Happy Wife, Happy Life."

To any guy who's married, the sooner you embrace that truth the better. As a result of that self-erasing…um, I mean…self-effacing principle, I've been conditioned to believe that my wife is clearly the boss of our household. However, I now have startling physical evidence that proves that is not the case.

I direct your attention to the aforementioned proof captured in the photo insert. You can clearly see that one of our glowing, demon-eyed cats is actually in charge of our house. I make that claim based on the sole fact in the photo you can clearly see that this fuzzy hell spawn has commandeered one of my wife's favorite cashmere sweaters - I would like to emphasis CASHmere sweaters (did I mention that CASHmere costs a lot of money??).

Regardless this adorable Diablo - whose name is Jasmine "Jazzy" Blue (EDITORIAL NOTE: our cats do indeed have first, middle and last names. The other winsome interloper is named Molly Sue Mittens. How weird is that??? This naming anomaly is worthy of a separate post, yet deserving of a mention here...but I digress...) -shamelessly drags here ill-gotten CASHmere booty around our home.

Here's the kicker, my wife thinks it’s "adorably cute" how this felonious feline has taken a shining toward a piece of her wardrobe and has “adopted” it as her woolen ward.  This signals to me a seismic shift in the power differential within our family.

Case in point, using a completely fictitious example, if I were a handy-mechanically-inclined-grease-monkey-type-of-guy who tinkered with cars and such, I guarantee there would be hell to pay if I took the same CASHmere sweater to clean my socket wrenches or wax-and-buff my ride.

So, I don’t know when exactly the cat’s coup-de-tat occurred but it did – because my wife is willingly surrendering contents of her closet real estate to the cuddly insurgents who are now ruling our home with a furry fury.

Just like Congress, our cats accountable to no one! They eat when they want. They sleep when they want, only waking to frolic around the domicile at their whim for a few minutes. All while their human serfs support, feed and clean up after them daily.

Within four short months, these two animals have created for themselves a stealth aristocracy that has their dingle-berried keisters firmly ensconced at its pinnacle.

Hmmm…maybe I’ll ask Santa for a new pet that can provide me comfort and relief from their ruthless rule – perhaps a pragmatic pet, such as a boa constrictor or tree python that has a “fondness” for smallish live game (it's just a joke, only kidding...sort of....)


  1. LOL! I'm crying, laughing so hard! You have a gift for writing that's for sure! I can't believe you said "dingle-berried keisters"!!!
    Oh, one thing, as a former French teacher I have to point out the correct spelling of
    "Coup d'Etat"
    love ya!

  2. @Wife, while I appreciate your Franco-knowledge -here in this country we speak American!!! Thanks for the comment ;-) Love ya!

  3. Tor

    I should never have busted your chops for the long hiatus from blogging. This was surely worth the wait. My only regret is that I did not blog about my cat first, this now has made that almost impossible.

  4. @Bill, keep busting away - I need a periodic kick in the pants to kickstart this blog - as a fellow blogger, I'm sure you can relate. BTW, great roundup on your blog today! I've gone ahead and linked to it on my home page, I hope that's ok - if not, tough ;-)

  5. Tor
    Thanks for the vote of confidence, I consider it a great honor.