The Daily ReTORt

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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

#%@*!! Allergies!

Scarface (Widescreen Two-Disc Anniversary Edition) [WARNING: This specific post contains graphic descriptions that might not be suitable for all readers!!!]

There was a time when I used to love all things spring. The swelling buds, leafing trees, the venerable springing to life of “Mother Gaia” – it all spoke of renewed life and a vigorous victory over the death of winter......

But now, spring time simply blows – literally in the nasal mucusol sense – because my histamine response to airborne allergens is so intense.

If you haven’t guessed, I have seasonal allergies.

I’m not sure when it started exactly, but it seems to have gotten progressively worse during the past five to seven seasons.

As a boy, I could frolic in pet dander without the slightest symptom.  I daresay that in the fictitious realm of wintry-white Danderland I could happily lie in mounds of the flaky particles making snow angels or pack it into piles of danderballs for a friendly quasi-snowball fight with friends after school.

Or I could just as easily bury my face in a pile of mustard-colored marigold pollen on an oversized mahogany desk without ill effects – reminiscent of Al Pacino’s depiction of Cuban-born drug lord Tony Montana in the movie Scarface.  Ahhh….those were the days.

However, that respiratory revelry is no more.

When I was younger, my springtime vices were cold lemonade, bike riding, pond swimming and wiffle ball – now they’re cold remedies Zyrtec®, Allegra®, Claritin® and Chlor-Trimeton® respectively.

Whenever I’m outdoors for any extended period of time, my eyes and nose merge into a lubricious fount of immuno-response – making me look like I’ve been blasted in the face by a mucus-filled Super Soaker®

Yet, despite my penchant for grossly-overstated hyperbole, my symptoms are apparently not severe enough to warrant a prescription-strength medication from my physician –  he thinks that over-the-counter (OTC) products will do the trick, despite the sebaceous trail of slime in my wake as I snail out of his office. He also tells me that he has many more patients who suffer much worse and thinks a lot of it is in my head – if he means buckets of phlegm, I would agree but I don’t think that’s his point.

He’s one of “those” doctors with a social conscience who does not like to prescribe medicines needlessly in the interest of appropriately rationing scarce healthcare resources for the greater good. A kind of “needs-of-the-many-outweigh-the-needs-of-the-few” approach to the Hippocratic oath.

Curse you healthcare reform and cost containment measures!!!!

So I’ll continue to spend the next several weeks doing a lot of mouth breathing and tripling up on the daily dosing of the OTC formulations – I guess it’s not a big deal, everyone tells me that unobstructed breathing tends to be overrated anyway (sigh).

So until I change doctors, or get my immune system surgically removed, I’ll just have to sniffle and bear it.

Please join in my misery by sharing a tale of your own allergic woe as a comment below....


  1. On a serious note...have you tried dosing yourself with local raw honey? There is a faction that believes in using raw local honey to activate your immune system much in the same way vaccines do. Your honey must be local, so that the pollen...s are the same ones that are causing your mucous membranes to work overtime. Raw honey has not been heated, which means all of its sweet earthy goodness is still intact. Give it a try. Wont hurt and definitely tastes better than Benadryl. If you need a local honey supplier...I can hook you up. Kim in VA

  2. I have to totally agree with Anonymous Kim in VA. I did the local honey therapy--just 1 tsp a day in my coffee and I'm cured. But I did it EVERY day for a few months before it worked. I haven't been stricken with allergies for over 10 years. And of course it only worked for the pollen allergies. Not sure what I'd have to drink to rid myself of my cat allergy. I don't think I'll hypothesize on that one.
    (BTW, I got a chuckle out of your "grossly overstated hyperbole.")

  3. allegra -D cured me....

    twice-a-day during spring/summer.
    once every morning the rest of the yr.
    = no more year round sinus infections turn to bronchitis vicious cycle...

    i am free.

  4. @Kim, thanks for the tip! My wife is actively pursuing local raw honey producers - my nose thanks you!

  5. @whatnot, who would have thought that Pooh Bear had stumbled onto the cure for allergies! I'll try anything at this point - as I told Kim, my wife is tracking down a local raw honey producer. Quick question, do you still take honey from time to time as a booster of sorts?

  6. @MK, hmmm...that is good insight coming from a former pharmacy guru. Thanks for the type! Is Allegra-D over the counter?